CultivateHer 2023
Have you ever felt like you have been “doing life” versus living life?
How many of you feel you need to shift something because you cannot continue like this? But you don’t know how to get out of your commitments or how to say NO to new commitments that do not serve you.
YOU ARE STUCK.
For the past 7 years I’ve been a woman working hard to hold it all together.
- Boy Momma
- Solo parent until my husband arrives home from a week on the road
- Career woman
- Business Owner
- Mentor
Maybe, I should mention my #1 strength is Responsibility, followed by Futuristic. I am always look at what’s next. And I’m good at being overly responsible. I feel that I need to be responsible for everything, everyone, all the time.
For years people have said “I don’t know how you do it all, it’s incredible.” Let me share that one of my love languages is Words of Affirmations, so I thrive on comments like these. In reality, I know my lifestyle is not sustainable and it’s not all that unique. I see many of you living similar lifestyles. I know because I’ve served you in our business. Woman everywhere are living a life half lived and putting their own needs last.
I could go on and on with titles, but that’s not really that important.
A wise woman once told me, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I want to see woman change their perspective on what it means to be well.
Who has a hard time asking for help?
Who feels like they can’t say NO, even if it is something they don’t really want to do?
Oh good! I knew I wasn’t the only one.
I’ve always had a hard time asking for help and saying no even when I knew it was not in my best interest.
Finally, after a few years of being the solo parent I worked up the courage to ask for help. As I sat on my kitchen floor that night I remember pleading for help. While I was soothing a newborn and doctoring a sick toddler.
I pleaded for help. My needs were shushed.
As I reflect back on this moment in my life, I realize it was a pivotal point. It was when I put my head down and went to work “doing” life instead of living life.
During a recent self-study I discovered this response is a pattern from my childhood when my needs were shushed frequently.
For 4 years I have struggles with hormonal issues. I chalked it up as post baby normals and I figured that my body would eventually balance itself out. But it didn’t.
Three years after having my youngest, I finally mentioned my symptoms to my family doctor. She prescribed a medications that made my symptoms even worst. So I sought out a specialists. For 9 months, pill after pill, pills to counteract symptoms from the first pills I worked with this specialist. When I asked if there were lifestyle changes I could make to help I was told that they needed to balance me with medications before they could figure out what was causing the imbalance. I knew my lifestyle was the cause but I was waiting for the specialist to tell me how to make sifts.
My body was giving me cues for years, but I was just too “busy” to notice. Until the cues became red flags and I had no choice but to pay attention. Years of chronic long term stress led me to:
- Hormonal imbalance
- Adrenal fatigue
- Feeling of constant overwhelm
- Over stimulation
- Acne
- Hair lose
- Mood swing
- Weight gain
- Memory loss
- Heavy clotting during my cycle
- And on and on.
What I learned is that I had way more symptoms than I had realized. The prescriptions weren’t making it better. So, I began a journey to help myself heal.
Don’t misunderstand me. Doctors are extremely important, I love our family doctor. And I truly enjoyed learning from the specialist. Doctors have knowledge beyond my own knowledge. But what we tend to forget or ignore is what it feels like to live in our bodies. We are the only ones who truly know our bodies, they speak to us every day but maybe we are too distracted to hear.
Has anyone ever been so distracted by their phone, email, social media, or television. Your child has called your name 5 times now and you haven’t acknowledged them.
How does your child feel? Do they misbehave to get your attention?
How about your body? Is it giving you red flags? Does it have to give you dis-ease in order to get your attention?
Now that it has your attention, what now? Doctors, lab draws, RXs, and medical expenses. What’s the root cause? Doctors are treating symptoms because, that is what they are specialized in. Their specialty is not finding the root cause.
If your body had a message for you today what would it be?
Since, I believe all things happen in life to provide us with more knowledge or wisdom then we had before. I don’t regret any of these things in my life because I have learned to be an advocate for myself, how to make shift in my lifestyle and how make decisions about what I am willing to put in my body.
While I’ve been learning more about my own body, being more in the present moment (so I could hear those cues) I have found some lifestyle changes that have helped. What I have learned is that small shifts and changes in my lifestyle have changed my wellbeing. I feel like for the first time in 4 years I have lifted my head, looked around and began living life again. Instead of “doing life” I am living life.
As I reflected on how I got to such a low point to begin with I discovered patterns that have been reoccurring throughout my life. As I began to peel back the layers of domestication, I started to think about what things from my past were causing some of my struggles now. Have you ever said, “I can’t help it I was raised that way”? That is part of your domestication. We create our own reality and it’s shaped by those around us.
This is what lead me on a quest to discover ME. Rediscover who she is. Who is Toni? Who was she before she became everything for everyone else?
Who was I before my needs were shushed after someone touched me inappropriately?
Who was I before I was in a controlling relationship?
Who was I before I was betrayed by someone I loved and trusted?
Who was I before I started drinking too much?
Who was I before I was teased in school? Has this shaped how I see myself in the cloths that I wear today? And the need to feel “put together”.
Who were you before someone else told you who to be?
Who were you before you were sexually abused?
Who were you before you lost your job?
Who were you before the world changed you? And who will you choose to be now?
After a few months on my wellness journey, I asked my husband, “Have you noticed positive changes in me since I started yoga training?
He said, “You are calmer and more focused”.
One of my closest friends came to visit me a couple of months ago. She was having a stressful day. She said, “I needed your calmness, voice of reason and understanding today.”
I hadn’t realized that I was making this impact on others.
I believe we have a responsibility to care for our bodies well. We are responsible for our mental health. And when the lifestyles we live are no longer sustainable we are responsible to change them. You are not alone in this. You are in a room full of many women who have similar struggles.
I want to see women shift their perspective on what it means to be well.
To me, wellness is loving the body you live in. After all this human suit is where your soul lives. Isn’t it important for our true authentic self to have a good place to live in order to be the best version of ourselves?
It is ok to say no to things that do not serve you like environments, relationships, jobs, etc. Healthy boundaries are essential to living a good life. It truly is as simple as, this is OK for me and this is not OK for me. Simplistic but not always easy.
What kind of people do you surround yourself with? Do they encourage you? Do they lift you up? Or do they bring you down, keeping you stuck?
I am Toni. I empower women to be the best version of themselves by supporting them on their wellness journey. I promise you will never be alone.
When women are rejuvenated and empowered, they live a better life. A life of wellbeing. A life well lived.
Empowered women empower women and that is why I attend CultivateHer every year.
